This is how I look now...

I just got to know how big I am recently after I see this pic...
OMG, that's so big lolz

The Move...

 "The disappointed feeling you get when you finally realize you will always care more about them than they will even consider you..."

That's it again, but this time I know how to move, how to get out from this feeling. I was a caring one, I truly was, till it turned me like shit and dump. Don't make it hard, I'm still who I am. You can get out for whatver but I will be me, I'm not going to change my personality just only to please yours :)

Blackout tonight....

Well, I feel like I’m always find myself here at my blog whenever I’m down, blue, desperate and nowhere to go, while I seem to spend my happy and joyful moment at the other places and fake people. I’m so sorry for you my blog but I can only think of you whenever I’m down. And to me, you're the one that understand me the most.

Today, it’s started to be another disappointed day….

I rushed back home from ERA with my beloved car together with the super traffic jam. It took me almost 1 hour just from there to my house and since I was already late from school, then I finally arrived home at around 7:10pm. My head was only about my statistic assignment, I have to submit it tonight by mail. Actually I already did it last nite and also sent to my classmate bestfriend asking for feedback (I’m not really good at that calculate things frankly), but I skipped the e, and f section of part 2 of the assignment (I’m not sure with it). I was told to edit some parts, and well the some missing parts still not mentioned (I supposed he might give me some clues).

Since, the missing part is still not completed, just after I packed my car, I run up into my room and start to complete it. I admitted that it’s the hard one but I can handle it by surfing on internet (I guess I’m good at it). Suddenly, soon after I was about to send to lecturer, black!! It was black-out, the electricity is just gone always. I was staring at my PC which is about to black-out too, I then started to save it and hibernate it for a moment hoping that the light will come back soon.

I moved my head to the bed beside my study desk, texted to my friend telling what’s happening. Then I fell asleep (such a tiring day, from early morning...). I woke up with the sound of text from my friend, and well the light still out…

9pm, 10pm, 11pm, 11:30pm…..Still dark!!
I don’t think I could submit my assignment on time so I laid back to the bed and tried to sleep for tomorrow early class and to submit my assignment. I got the message from my classmate bffz that he finally did it and already submitted. He told me that it’s okie for me to submit tomorrow....

I don’t know why, the last phrase suddenly disappointed me. I at the moment expected that he would ask to submit the assignment instead of me(since I already did some parts), or he might say well, I already sent you the sample of the last part that you haven’t done. Or sth else…as he knew well that I’m not really good at such thing and plus my electricity went out.
I really understand that he is busy, he is family occupied, he got many things to do and so on...

I feel that whatever, whenever, he atleast have me behind to accompany even sometimes I was mad but I never leave him or any bff behind. But me, when I had nowhere, when I faced with difficulties, when I had problem, all I can do is myself, I have to do everything by my own, I have to endure the hardships, I have to fight, and there's still me. No one ever understand me, no one ever atleast try my shoes, no one with me, there's always me alone.

I'm tired, I'm dying inside, I'm sorrow with many hardship that people may not understand. I try to be find, to be Okie, or tell ppl that I'm clever enough even I'm not. I wish I could be alone, I wish I could be somewhere else that no one could recognize me.....[I wish]

I’m sure, and I swear to the god that if I was him, I would try to help my friend that insisted for the help, even I’m busy to death…

It reminds abt the recently, how I was trying to search & looking for infos to support his Law presentation, how I run to his house to give him explanation with a sheet of summarize paper hoping that he would have a good understanding…(I know those can't help him much, those are not really important as he could find by himself as well, but to me, I tried hard to get it just one hope that it would atleast help).

I feel like all I did to my friends is about understanding while what they did to me is just an obligation without the willingness(or else?). Maybe they defined the "Friendship"difference from me. When I try to be kind, to be available, to be helpful, all I can get was just I'm too much, I'm annoying, I'm boring, I'm wired, (I should married!!, it's really end up me when I got this words from my bffz).
I never can get me right infront of them, I'm all alone T.T

It’s a silly feeling, or I’m just too much expected…
People told me to be independent, but I just can’t, I admitted that I’m getting alone days by days, and isolated. Because every time I try to get close to ppl, I feel that they try to go away, just a little bit not close to me. I'm really something?

Well, it might not a matter, I just feel disappointed, and I want to write it here hoping that I would change, from me now to another new person, to be more independent, for atleast think about myself more than others(as now, I really devote my part for ppl).

I hope that one day I could find my inner peace and the people who understand me just a little bit more then I understand myself, and I wish that true friend really exist.

P.S: The light went back at 1:30am and I already submitted my paper work to lecturer...

Not anymore again...

Be on your own foots guy!!
Be a man!!
Don't be like that again and again...

A Little Thing Called Love

Well, it's the third time I'm contently watching this movie again tonight. I just can't get enough. It got my heart, my soul and I can say, I love it. It's the best Thai movie I've seen so far. So funny! So touching! It really moved me. I could not believe I got goosebumps twice while I was watching this movie.

I wish I could be sweet just like the movie, I wish a girl I love be at my side and be my secret admirer while I'm at her back supporting her.

I fell in love with the movie. :)) haha I can simply say that I love the movie. It's awesome but I'm gonna tell you everything I loved about it anyway. :)) haha

I love the transformation of the make-up thing, it's so realistic and it's so different. The whole story is just so simple, but it's amazing. It made me so much emotional with the strong handling of bffz, and it did make me in tear once the 4 bffz united back to each other with the song that they used to sing together. It's quiet touching when Nam decides to tell Shone that she love her on the graduation day but then it turns bad when she saw Pin's message on Shone's Shirt.

This movie not only sweet but it inspires me to follow the heart and chase the dream. Do something to make people proud of you....

And finally it did surprise me at the end, it's really a happy ending when I already thought that they both have no way to return. Let say this is the amazing movie of the year

Over Tolerated & Moody...

I'm tired to write more and more, just now I'm being so drama...
I'm bad, I'm crazy, I'm trouble maker.....what's else? So LEAVE ME ALONE!!

The worst feeling is when you are being compared to someone else. I don't want to be the 'better' or 'worse' version of someone else. I just want to be me. Thus, don't judge me until you have lived my life and have experienced all the things I have gone through. Then you can make your decision about what you think of me. I'm not perfect, and I have my faults and insecurities. But it's what makes me who I am. Take it or leave it!

Do what you feel is right... No ones approval is needed but Your own...

Beside, I'm sorry that I leave you alone on that day, but at the same time, if you really understand the situation I was at that time, you would say, "Well, go and just call me when you arrived home..."
29-10-11

Disappointed tonight

Well, something was out from my wisely willingness, my truly care and effort. I even almost made a fight just because all good deeds that I intended to do for you. But at the end, it turns out to be a shit, and ignorance...

I'm disappointed again not because it the matter of ignorance but it's that you've never SORRY...:(

Relationships....

Relationships ”of all kinds” are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with and open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and its lost

I'm sad tonight...

I valued you, I treated you as the best one, I gave you my everything....but did you ever know? Did you ever try to understand me just a bit...?

Dear my beloved best friends...

There are some things that I really want to say to you... to express to you... but I don't know how. Aside from simply coming up to you and saying them, there really is no way to tell you how I feel. So I won't. My ideas, due to the poor means of communication words provide, might be misunderstood and cause our relationship to become uncomfortable. So, I've decided not to tell you. And I'll compose and publish my letter here.

First, I love you. I always have, and I always will. My love for you is deep and permanent, and while non-sexual, it is true love for best friend. I could never sleep with you cause it would destroy and alter something that I can't specifically name. But I wish I could curl up next to you and fall asleep quite easily. It's hard for me to sleep but if only you are by my side, I believe it won't getting hard just like I am now. My love is boundless. Again, it's not a love for men and women but it's a true love of best friend who can share everything even better than our 100 years soul-mate. Your character is fascinating, and I can only hope to continue to be an important part of your life for as long as you are an important part of mine.

You have always been such a wonderful protective and supportive person to me... you have been with me and been there for me ever since I met you. You were there for me when I was in love, in pain, in confusion. You've had more faith in me than I have ever had in myself... and I am endlessly grateful for that. You've provided me with an anchor of support, if not always sanity. With you, I feel that there are emotional things that will not change, even if our two separate lives do change on their own. I feel like there is something real and permanent about my love for you. It is like the sky when the mountains may crumble. It is like a background in front of which I will assume the various characters and personalities that this world directs me to.

There is nothing in this world that I would not do for you. I trust you with everything I have, and everything I am. I believe that you know this... and that you have known this for a long time.

I can only speculate on where these feelings came from. I might imagine that you are a kind of soul-sibling... and that we've been together for multiple lives. Mutual and equal trust... as if we were employed to do the same task, and to do it together. In a world of lies and deception, you were the only one I trusted, and I was the only one that you could trust. Images and ideas similar to this have struck home with me and reminded me of you. I'm not your soul mate... and you are not mine. But I believe that we have known each other for an inconceivably long time.

Second, I hate you!

You always drive me crazy with your carelessness, and negligence. You've never asked me what I want, and what I really feel. You've just assume something and make it happen. You know, sometimes, it hurts me a lots, to see you, the one that I love the most convey me in a very wrong me, it's misjudge...

You never spend even a second asking me about my problem, you've never wanted to listen to my problem but you always said, "Seth, you're thinking to much".

You never spare your time just to be with me and let me cry on your shoulder and telling you about my hardest moment I've ever confront.

You've never see me in a good way. All I did, to you was just something boring and annoying or just to be attractive. T.T

You always keep me aside from you while I always want to be with you to talk to you. You know I am lonely, you really care but you just call up someone else to accompany through my loneliness. Why it's not you??? I'm to greedy just to be with you??

I'm hurt and crying inside when you leaving me with ur very reasonable reason. I would say that, the world is meaningless to me if there is without you...

Third, I can't be here any longer.

This is the reason that I always ignore all your fault I mentioned above. Life is getting shorter and shorter and much more serious every moment. I'm hiding it from you, cuz it hurts enough for me alone to confront with it. I don't want you to feel that burden even just a second cause it's HURT.

I would smile to you even you have to kill me one day. I'm not going to fight with you nor giving you my anger. I wish to be a loser for you cause you are everything to me, and nomatter what.

I want to tell you these things. Perhaps someday I will tell you. Perhaps someday you'll see this, and I'll never know. However it happens, I want you to know that I love you, and that I'll always be there for you above any other person, be it lover, boyfriend, dream or depression. I count myself among the luckiest souls in the universe for meeting you. Thank you for being here for me.

If I really have to go, please remember that, I found you (Vanara, Kunna, Cheata) are the best to me and also the worst. And I wish to meet you again in my another life...

Be strong,

Piseth

P.S: Love is Love, there is no reason to love but this love was just for YOU and ME.

How to live your life happily??

In each day that passes by, we stand by and witness how our lives are being lived without the full happiness and satisfaction we crave and need. Most people spend their time stressed out, worried and on a constant panic about what needs to be done for their futures, raising their children, wired up over work, school, along with everything else. Does this sound familiar? Well if it does, it is because so many people live with this style and pattern. When you can start living that fully happy and satisfied life?

The only way you can live a happy and satisfied life, is when you start doing things that make you happy and satisfied. Sure, it sounds easy, and can be easy if you just remember to make yourself one of your top priorities. Too many people neglect themselves, feeling that it would be selfish if they took any time out to focus on their own being. While it is good to take care of others and other important things going on in your life, it is mandatory that you never forget about yourself. Discover who you really are and what matters most to you. Living a great life does not just happen. It requires, planning and following those plans to a life that reflects who you truly are.

Most people avoid planning goals and dreams in their lives because they may have a fear of committing to it or failing. They feel that by officially writing it down, they would actually have to go through with pursuing it. This is where you need to rate the importance of your life missions. What is most important to you? Is it gaining a certain amount of weight? Getting your degree? Spending more time with your spouse or children? Whatever the reason or reasons may be, just write all of them down. You may feel that making a mental note of your goals and dreams is enough, but you could very well be setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. By writing it down, you will become a visual witness of those goals. Try writing them in an organizer, with a little reminder written in each day.

Setting deadlines for these goals would be a great way to assure they will be accomplished. Avoid disappointment by setting realistic deadlines. For example, if you wanted to gain 10 kg, do not give yourself a week to do so. You will only torture yourself and become depressed when the week is over and see that you did not come even close to gaining the 10 kg. In fact, you may give up gaining weight altogether because of the failure you experienced, simply because your deadline was unrealistic. Take some time everyday to look over your goals and remind yourself of how important they really are to you. Ask yourself why they are important to you too. Knowing that something is important is not enough. You must know the reasons behind the importance of the dreams and goals you have, so that your mind can see it more clearly and understand exactly why it is so necessary to go through with your missions.

Excuses are demons you must learn to fight off if you wish to start living a happy and satisfied life. Most people claim to have many dreams, but say they just do not have the time to approach them. Stop making excuses! You are the only one who holds the power to make a real difference in your life. Sure, we all have busy lives with our careers and families, but nothing takes up 24 hours of your day. So if something is truly important to you, you will be sure to make the time to work on it. You can do this by replacing it with something less important. For example, if you claim you do not have the time to work on the other important goals in your life, perhaps it is time for you to start making close observations on the way you spend your time. If you spend several hours of the day working, studying, and then several hours taking care of house chores and family, what else are you doing with the rest of your day? If you spend a good portion watching television, then you need to cut back on that and use that time to begin and follow an exercise plan you have been thinking to focus on for a long time (or whatever goal it is you have).

Making yourself one of your first priorities is not selfish. It actually is obligatory to do so in order to succeed in the other subjects of your life. Without a happy and satisfied you, there will be no happy and satisfied life, because you will be stressed out and unhappy. You might be consciously ignoring your needs and desires, but your subconscious mind has not forgotten about you and will constantly remind you through stress, anger, sadness, insecurity and feelings of failure.

Start listening to yourself and becoming the best friend and supporter you need. No one is going to work on your happiness for you, so find the power and motivation stored up inside you, and use it to direct yourself into the path of true happiness and satisfaction. You can do anything you set your mind to, and once you have stopped and gotten in touch with yourself, you will learn and realize just how wonderful and capable you really are, and how you always have been. You will not only realize these things, but also begin loving who are more and more, which will not only lead you to achieving the things that make you most happy, but will guide you into a world of many new dreams come true.

I like, I love and I hate you the most...

These are some words that I want to tell you...

-I like you just like myself...

-I love your more than everything on earth...

-I hate you more than the word could say...

You know why???

All of these because you lie yourself, you treat people just by your feeling, you give them everything and that get all back without leaving anything behind, you convey my truly kindly heart into something else, something that infers me into a bad way...

I knew, I understand about you much more than you could imagine. But sometimes you should learn about me too. Never recall something bad that already happened...

Not well...

Since last night, I feel like every bad things has come to me again. I was not well, exhausted, hard to breath, couldn't control my hearth beat, my whole body were hurt as like hell. And I have to be here again. Now, I feel like, I'm so weak, not strong as like I've always said. I feel like I'm useless whenever I am here, I hate myself to see everyone of my family rush for me, waste money for me, do everything for me. I'm no saying, I do nothing, I'm smiling, but it's totally hurt to see myself again in this bed, a nice bed but cost much money to my family.

It's too much, it's really too much for them just to let me stay, I'm I worth to stay?? Why you always so nice to me?? Why don't just let me go??

I don't feel that I would be fine, I don't think that I would be the same again...

I feel like everyone don't want to let me go, but when I'm here, when I'm available for everything, they just always ignore, gone or out of sigh. I'm not complaint, but sometimes, I really feel the loneliness within me. And it makes me disappointed everytime....

Whatever he told me, it is the truth...

Today, the rainy day, the gloomy day, the awful day. Since the early morning, I feel not well and I had a very headache after back home from Mondulkiri with my dear bestfriends and beloved gangstarz.

I met someone this early morning at Hospital, the one that seems to be the stranger to me, but he knew everything about me, even my health conditions. I'm not wonder about that since I knew that he is the one whose works in that hospital. He comes to me with smile and asked me that, Are you feeling alright today? How is your Holidays? How is your Mondolkiri trip? You might have a great time with your bestfriend right?

Many question come at the same time, but the last one surprise me the most. It's seems like he knows something about me. I then, answered; I'm not so well today maybe it's the result of 3 days at Mondulkiri. It's was awesome and everything there were just perfect to be told....

He continues; Good!! you better go there often then. I really admire your true friendship with your bestfriend, but maybe your friends not that nice for you as you did to them, you better care yourself much and seriously.

I was stuck, I just had nothing to say; "Ok, I know what I'm doing now [Sigh]"

On the way back home, I wondered myself about everything happened just a moment, he seems like he want to tell me something but he couldn't go on or he may want me to realize something. Oh my god! it made my headache even worse. And then I forget about it.

After lunch time, I come to online, to be visible to everyone in Yahoo Messenger. I've never did this long time ago, as normally I just put visible to only my family and another 2 persons, one is AFBF and another one is Nick. There were many offline messages, and many buzz from friends and the others friends that I knew long ago via hi5.

Just when I was about to off, someone knock me, buzz me. He is in my list long ago, but I forget already who he is, why he happens to be in my list. Maybe he knew me by hi5!!

He said hi and asked me about this and that while I'm not interested to do it. I just like so so with that one. And finally he surprised me with his last question; "You still keep in touch with Mickey?(I prefer not to tell who is that one)"

That's question realized me about how I know him, and what he told me last 1 or 2 years ago about my bestfriend, Mickey.

I wrote him; "Yeah, I just back from Mondulkiri with him"

He replied me back and convey something about Mickey in bad way; "Huh? You went with him? Oh god!!" "Don't you know he is....?" "Or you are .... like him?" "Guy, you know him so little".....

At the moment, my temper was rise, my ear was hard to feel, I was like the Vampire, I will kill him just if he was here infront of me, I will kill him and tell him that, Mickey is my bestfriend, you have no right to say something bad about him, You are a shit, a fucking shit, a bullshit, WTF you talking about my bestfriend?

I didnt replied much to that shit, I just wrote him back that, "I knew what I'm doing, I knew well what my bestfriend is, We are friend and good friend. Get your fucking words about my bestfreind back, you are not welcome here". Then I offline and deleted that one from my list.

What's a worse day, why? why I chatted with the one that say something bad about my bestfriend?

Honestly, I really regret to mock him(Mickey) last 2 years about what that fucking guys tell me, and even showed me the picture; I shouldn't believed that fucking guy. I should think much about that. I'm so regret to took this up and mocked him. I was so stupid to believe that fucking guy, I was so stupid to make (Mickey) feels something,..............[Sigh]:(

Mickey is my bestfriend, I don't care what everyone in the world tell something bad about him, I don't care if the world see him in the bad way, I don't care if the world have to leave him behind. I will be the one for him, his bestfriend, his good friend, his brother and his everything and I promise I will never go alway from that stage for him, and I mean it.

"If one day he had to kill me, I would always say that; I'm proud to be his bestfriend, I'm proud to do everything in the sake of our true friendship and I will never regret about it.

"In my dictionary, there is no a lie that came from my bestfriend, whatever he told me is the truth"

My mother...

It was just 4 a.m. and the sky was still in the darkness of an extremely cold morning. The wind blew fast made the dark sky become more dangerous and violent. That time is the moment that everyone on earth are enjoying their sleeping, but my mother was ready to set up again. Hardly did anyone know that where a female was going to do in such that early morning. She was going the kitchen to do a breakfast for her lovely son, Me. And to see me in the bed whether I'm fine or not, the blanket is right on my body or not, how is my breathing, how is my temperature. It's a caring from heart that I believe no one on earth can never be the same. It came from the pure heart of my mother, the one that very important for my life. At the age of 50s, my mother still had to work hard to earn her living and support our family. She still can not enjoy with everything that she has done so far by her very own hand, by her own sweat and blood. This moment of my mother' life that has been instilled in my mind has tremendously helped me in my spiritual, mental, and developmental upbringing.

My mother actually is an ordinary woman but in her tiny appearance lies an extraordinary fortitude, perseverance, a altruistic soul and a very kindly heart. The kind of mother who brought me up with her whole kindly heart, the kind of persistent woman with strong willpower who had to face the toughest challenges in life, and the kind of person who always demonstrated great zeal for every unlucky lives without requiring anything in return and great willingness to help everyone's misery though she did not have much, my mother taught me more than any one else, not only inspired me the strength to overcome hardships in my life, but also left me with invaluable life lessons. Her fortitude and perseverance, as well as her kindly heart have encouraged me to grow up to live the life of an authentic person, a life engulfed with perseverance and determination, a life with heartfelt eagerness to love and to receive love from every one and optimistic beliefs in the future.

My mother's life is the succession of obstacles and grieves. Growing up in a poor family, my mother must work very hard to earn her living since her early ages. Due to shortage of material condition, she herself has trained an extremely strong will and ability to sedately deal with each difficulty and stand up to move on from her failures. And she has devote her teenager's life just for her family, husband and her beloved children.

I vividly remember the calamity poured down my family when I was on a very hard time. We had to sell our houses and our belongings just to help me and believe that I will be fine. This critical time made every member in my family totally upset. But it was my mother, the persistent and brave women, strongly stood up and started over again after this great adversity. Each of her failures, her grief, and the way she overcome difficulties to move on has made an indelible impression in my mind, leaving me with precious lessons about the values of strong wills and indefatigable endeavors to firmly confront with setbacks and bravely conquer them. There was time when I felt that there was no more hope in life, that I felt very weary and was about to give up everything. It was the time when I lost everything and even my life. I was really despaired when all my efforts went to nowhere, three months with my internal hard working toward the fucking disease left me nothing but hopeless and sorrow. I was unable to deal with any small or tiny problems and felt embarrassed to meet my relatives and friends. However, that was also the right time that I learned from my mother how to learn from those hardship time and developed my own tools to take more lessons from them to realize the proper meanings of determination. My patient efforts were compensated when I fought up with those disease and I could manage myself to get up again while everyone around me beard in mind that I could never be gotten up again. All of these difficulties eventually gave me an optimistic view on life which helped me become more vigorous to start all over again and to waive my unhealthy fear of failure.

My mother is a diligent and determined woman who has left me with the right direction of my road, more importantly, she has helped me appreciate this life as precious gifts of ordinary life and true happiness by her kindly heart. Thank to my mother, I was no longer scared of demented people as I used to, but instead, I understood from their eyes the hope to live stable lives.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me. The precious lessons from my mother are the luggage for me to go on my road and discover new horizon of knowledge and make my dream become a reality instead of just a dream. I own my strength to my mother. Her life experience has made me more vigorous to face every hardship, to overcome each failure, and move on. Far more meaningfully, I also realize the invaluable gift of life and true happiness to view the world more optimistically and to believe in the brighter future.

Bad dream ever...

Just now, I got up from a very deep sleep after finished a very long class today. I admit that today class is such a long class I ever used to before. From the early morning to the late evening. And so everyone are so exhausted just the same as me.

Ok, let go to the point. I had a dream, a bad dream, a very bad dream. I know, it was just a dream but it was like a real to blast me out from the bed with a shouted noise. I realized that, I was wet by sweat, hard sweat and I could feel the tear covered all my face. My whole body was still but tremble and shock. I don't wanna tell about what that shit dream was, I don't wanna mention about it!!

Frankly, this few days after I arrived back, I've never had a good feeling at all. I can sense something that not so secure around me. I feel that I'm not alright, I feel that sometime went wrong, I feel like I was followed by something. I was lost already when my good friends walked out from me when they realized something bad about me just by their side. And they decided to give up everything with me. I have no idea, just I feel a little bid awkward to let them go without any complaint. But what can I do besides keeping silent like this??

These couple days, it was a hard time for me to sleep at the night. I'm afraid of everything around me, I'm afraid to sleep, I'm afraid to close my eyes. So I decide to take those sleeping time doing something else like reading, writing or listening to music. I was always thinking and worrying about my bestfriend because I found that he sleeps too late at night, too too late. It's not good at all, it may harm his health and somehow it will lead to another disease of his internal factor. I tried to tell him, just to sleep early. But it seems like he never want to. hmmmmm......:-(

I have many of bestfriend, but most of the time he maybe the one that I can rely on when I face with the hard thing. He is so kind but I'm afraid he will turn his everything out just like my dream at the moment. Ok, it's just a dream. My AFBF is still my AFBF!!

He promised to be the one for me, and so do I. "Good friends are like that, it's what I can feel".

Still in the question in my head, I'm thinking about, if I should go or not to Mondulkiri this coming week?

It's not because I'm worry about my health problem. I'm sure I will be fine with that, I can fight with it because I believe. What I'm thinking is I'm afraid to bother my friends that gonna join this trip......:-(

I'm afraid of sleeping alone, I'm afraid to face with the lonesome night at different place from home while everyone is sleeping.

It's a trip, why they have to care about me, why they have to thinking all the time about me,........

I sometimes need the care, but just asking me that I'm fine or not, it would be enough. I love when you ask me that, "Seth, are you feeling alright?". It's like a pure medicine to heal with all my hardship inside....

Now, it may be the right time for me to read books again. I miss my facebook so bad. Until now, I still cant find the password that I've already forget. It's shame that you forget your own password, but I did. I realized that I forget alots as well. I sometimes even forget where I am, or who I am.......Ok, it's so complicate to explain.

I hope I'm not going to lost everything like my dream was. I hope and wish that I'm not going to lost my memory....Please!

Your smile is mine...

Time passes by, people are striving for their own way. Everything can never be assured to be fine as we expected. I'm sure, everyone are smiling for their future for their own prospect, or better say that they eager to see their tomorrow, wonder what will it gonna be like. And while I am sitting still and just wish that everything will stop here, wish the time to stuck here cause I'm afraid for tomorrow, I'm afraid that tomorrow will never come for me.

There're many things in my head and it go up and up day by day. I wish I can tell everyone about what is the reality within me, what is the truth that I'm gonna be faced. I just want to feel free for everything and tell everyone that I can never be the same like before. Time is really limited for me hmm.........

Like now, I'm here again, in this bed again, in this place again, where's not called my home. It's just somewhere else that the money can worth the caring and treating. How long could I survive with this hardship? How long could I survive to stay here? It's just the question... because everything of mine are not belong to me anymore.

Today, I've made some little things. Just to tell everyone that I'm fine, I'm coming to life again.

I've made something for my bestfriend to show my appreciation for my beloved bffz and to tell him that I'm really thanks for what he has done to me. It's just a day, but honestly, it was so hard for me to walk each step, to hold each breath because everything inside are heard like hell.

It should be the right time, and I will never regret anymore. I've been living in a very good condition of life, environment of family and friends. I've experienced with anything that some people never used to. I have a good family who love me so much, I have my bffz who always near me,..... so it should be enough.

I don't want to waste it anymore, I don't to feel that hardship anymore, I want to give up for everything.

To them, everything is just an illusion, hopes are always around, miracle will happen.

To me, everything is dark, hurt and weak......everything is just a lie. I don't want them to worry that much anymore, I don't want them to endure that hardship with me anymore.

Mum, I love you

Dad, I love you

Bro, I love you

My beloved bffz I love you...

And I know you love me too, let me go!!

Please stay strong and smile to the problem. Don't be that weak. I'm not going to try cause I know myself that there's now way to try.

I want to sleep peacefully, I want to breath easily, I want to relax.....Just now, I'm too tied to move on.

Just remember that, your smile are mine and I will take aways all your sad tears.

My beloved people, My Idols

In my daily activities I often get in touch with the others and from these relations I meet some people whose interests, characteristics and behaviors are similar to me and I choose them as my friends, my beloved people and my idols. And here are they:

His name is Vanara,

He is a very close friend of mine for long time ago. The deeper our mutual understanding becomes the more we feel closely attached to each other. Vanara is the one who always by my side in any circumstances, in any times. He cheers me up, he pushes me on, he comforts me with his warmth speech and the food of thought, he tells me that I'm worth to be here, to be his friend, and for others.

Everything he did just to tell his friend that, he is not only a friend, he is somebody else who has more value that anyone else can be the same. He is the unique friend among others.

It's not admiring or flattering, it is the true feeling of mine toward my bestfriend like him. With him, I learnt how to be friend, how to be a son and how to be student. It's the true feeling of bestfriend that any other relations could ever compare.

I sometimes really admire everything he has done to me or people around him, He can do a thing, a simple thing but meaningless and can never forget.

I like him very much because of his honesty and straight forwardness. He is always ready to help his weak friends in their study, as a result, lots of friends, thanks to his whole-hearted help, have become good ones.

He is careless, so what?

He is sensitive, so what?

He is fickle, so what?

It's all just an illusion, it's not true. Something lying behind this. And I may know what it is.

He is such an amazing people, awesome friend, strong minded guys, and a smart student. In my relation with him, I have got precious experience: thirst for learning, patience to overcome difficulties, helpfulness and filial piety.

Somehow, I feel like I'm not the one for him, I'm not the one that he counts on. I don't like when I was aside when he got problem, I don't like when he sometimes so cruel to me, when he tries to be too much exaggerate, outrageous, or abhorrent......

Anyhow, To me, he is my AFBF.

My Admirable Bestfriend

My Foremost Bestfriend

My Benevolence Bestfriend

My Fascination Bestfriend.

His name is Ketya,

Just like Vanara, he is the one that I admire the most. We've been good friend since we first started to be friend. He got the very same characteristic as I do, he is so playful sometimes but he is so serious just when he committed to be. He is smart, clever and flexible. He could feel and sense any hard things or obstacles infront of him and he is good at finding the way to solve those problems.

Most of the time, we played with each others just like kid, but compare to him, I'm so far difference. Whatever, it's not counted for a bestfriend like us.

He is sometimes feels the same way as I did, he like something that I like too. He has a good heart. He is truthful, honest and obedient. He is good at every subjects, but he never shows pride in his abilities and always tries to learn harder.

He makes his parents and friends very proud of him in examinations. He secures good marks and is usually top of his class in examinations. He inspires me to work harder. He keeps away from bad company.

I don't know why, I sometimes, hate him so much, hate to see even his face!!!

But to me he is my BCBF

My Beyond Compare Bestfriend

My Classy Bestfriend

My Breast Bestfriend

My Fortitude Bestfriend

They both are the most value people among others beside my beloved family. They both are everything to me and to my life....

(To be continued...)

An awful liar

I cant't sleep tonight, I don't know why. I've just found myself login into my old blog and everything that I've been in love before. It seems to me that these few months, I've faced with many many things or I can say that the very hard time ever in my life. And because of these few months, I've learn to be me, I've learn to be Piseth, who everyone around him wish him to be. I've learn many good and priceless lessons and I will never forget it.

It was hard time for me to face with many obstacles and nightmares. I've been afraid even to close my eyes and sleep. I've afraid to see people around me. I've afraid to tell my beloved people that I'm fine. I've been afraid to be me.
I afraid to sleep and I afraid that I will never have chance to open my eyes again. I had a nightmare eveytime I sleep of losing you guys. I was afraid to leave. And these few month, I was about to disappear already.
Last week, I can say that it was a very hard time for me ever to confront, to live my life on. I was suddenly cried when I can survived, when I managed myself to get up again. It's was an incomparably happy, and the first impression of mine at that time is my friends. I was so happy cause I can be back to see them again.
BUT, everything turn wrong, completely wrong from what I thought. I supposed to give them a big smile, to tell them that, "My Friends, I miss you, I want to hug you". It's not like I wanted at all.
They convey my hardship into a lie, an awful lie, a beautiful lie. They turn my big commitment into a shit, they turn my challenge into a weak one. They turn me in to an EVIL.
Why? I wonder why? Are you my friends? Are you my Best friend?
Can you just take a second to think a bit about it? Can you?
Do you ever know? I would rather die, than to be a liar....T.T
And I would rather die to make my bestfriends cry because of me. Everything you've given me so far, were like a sharp sword!!!
IT's REALLY HURT ME SO BAD my friend, I've never imagined about that. I would confront with any very hardships on earth but I really cant to see you walking away from me and tell me that I'm a liar, a sweet liar, an EVIL T.T
What's for? Why I have to do so? Why I have to do that to all my beloved people?
You hurt me, And it was so deep hurt...
I don't want to explain, I don't want to fight, I don want to say anything just to tell you that I was right. I don't need to do so. You can judge me, or see me as much as you like. Please see me as a liar, cuz I was already a liar.
So far, I'm so thankful for everything you did for me. Even now, you may regret to do all those things, but I would say that those are the straight for me hold on.
Thanks to be with me, Thanks for giving me hope, Thanks to be sweet and kind to a liar as me.
I'm sorry to hurt you that much, I'm sorry to be your bad friend, I'm sorry to be the one that always give you troubles.


"My AFBF, My BCBF, My MBBF, Cheata, KUNNA, you all are always my hero, my idols"
I love you, I can leave everything, I can lost everything, I can give up anything but not you guys. Please promise me that, you always are, please promise to be the one for me, please promise to give me a way to walk together in the future, please tell the world that I'm your good friend. CUZ WITHOUT YOU GUYS, MY WORLD IS SO EMPTY.
Please always with me when I open my eyes to the world T.T
Thanks,
Piseth CHANTY
I would be a loser for you guys...

One day without me....

Yeah, we've been known each others pretty long ago. We've been done alots of things, alots of great time together, it all was a big dot that will curve in our heart everlast. But,......that feeling was just come few months ago. I love you and it's no more words to explain about that feeling, just I've started to love you since that day.

If I am not wrong, it was the day that you tried to help me out throught the rain and leaded me home with your very pure heart that anything cant be the same. It was a very proud of me seeing you beside me in such that poorly moment. You know? on that day, I learned well about you, found that you are my only one and noone can replace. and I've promised myself that I will try to be kind with you, do everything for you, no matter what u did to me, u still be my one and my only one.

These few months with you in my heart, it was really a great time of mine. And I will never forget it. I started looking at you in difference way, in the way of love. Your face, your smile, your eyes were always in my brain everyday and in the night before I'm going to sleep. I never imagined before that you became like this in my heart, How can? But, yeah you already took that place. I put you in that place without any permission from you. And I've tried many time just to tell you that I love you. I show it to you throught my eyes, my activities.......but you still didnt got it.

Loving someone and you can confess your true feeling with them, it was really really hard. I faced it, it very hard to think about you everyday and night.

Since one day after that few months, I cannot lie myself anymore, I cant do it alone. But I was really afraid to tell you that I love you.
It was a night after I finished all my very difficult tasks at school.......after you say goodnight throught SMS, I then tried to reply you with the meaning of Love " You pretend or you really don't know that I love you?", Yeah that phrase, I asked. Too fast, I got your reply back.....(My someone had that feeling for me too!!!). It was such a great word and I was really happy at that time.
You said " I've been waiting this word for so long, why it just happend and I can't prepared for everything ??". We've been talking throght the texte alots that night. Then, I started to keep you as my real love.

I love you babe, I love you sweetie, I love you my.....is all I used with you throught texte since that night. I was happy, yeah I was so so happy and it was a great moment seeing ur reply back.

But it seeems like everything was just a fake, you was just kidding with me since that night. You don't told me you were lying but I found it! yeah I found that I am not like that in your heart. I found it out throught everything. Yeah I am not, I am not really your one. Since then, I tried to be patient and let everything gone and I still do the same as before, love you, care about you and do everything for you.
Why I'm so happy just to read all your SMS that u sent me? Why? Why I kept to read it every night, the same and the same. I don't bore with it? Yeah, truly, I've never bored with all your worlds, all your sentences, I keep it and I remember all of it. poor me. :(
But, sure I cant stand with it, I cant stand to love someone that they just keep me as a simple one. I want the care and the love from you, from your truly heart. I love you and I want your love back. I can't face with it anymore, so just let you go.

From now, I'm promise, I will not let that feeling comes over me again and I will let you go. It hurts, yeah it hurts me but, it is the only way. I don't wanna feel that lonesome love. Maybe I'm not good enought for you, maybe my condition is not fit with yours or maybe you don't love me back.

One day without me, you will be happy and free.
One day without me, you will still be the same.
One day without me, you will not stay with pressure anymore.
One night without me, you can sleep well without the tone of my SMS.
And one night without me, you can enjoy everything you want not just to reply my SMS.
I knew, it hard for you to love someone that you don't really love. and I knew it is not your fault, It's mine. I'm the one who made it, the one who caused it, so I'm gonna take everything from it as my responsibility.

I just want to appology, I do appology for everything I've made with you. I shouldn't have told you that I love you. I'm fool, I'm that fool cause I love you, I really don't know, why I really deep like this??? I never have such that feeling before, it is the truth.
OK, Now even I still miss you, wanna sms to you but I'm giving it up now. It will be better day by day.
Yeah, love someone is not a fault and it is no condition. Love just love

Thanks for your Smile (",) and Kiss too :* and I will keep it.
Wish you to find someone that you really love na. And keep ur smilling baby.
SETH, :D